What it means to have Privilege

Last night in the parking lot after my recovery meeting, I found myself engaged in a conversation about how women should protect themselves against abuse and assault.

It was really disquieting to be around someone that is associated with a group practicing Buddhist mindsets and recovery steps.

I have to take note of the mental capacity of this person, understanding that maybe they’re not all the way there functionally due to their prior history of drug addict.

But here’s the thing. While you’re trying to get recovered and your life back on track, would you not consider that perhaps there were some viewpoints that you held that were incorrect? Or harmful to other people?

He was calling out, “oh well that’s just a feminist mindset”. And “I was walking on the streets of LA at night and I didn’t feel unsafe.” And “women shouldn’t go to places where they could be assaulted or harmed”. And of course, the kicker “it sounds like you hate men”

I have to say I think I handled it pretty well and I didn’t go off on this person, even though there were definitely moments of discomfort and frustration with this person’s expression. Thankfully, there was another man in the group who heard me when I said, I think men should call out other men when their behavior is inappropriate”.

He did do just that, in a very skillful and neutral way. Because what I realized is, this person was feeling threatened because his cognitive dissonance couldn’t understand that a critique is not an attack. And I can see how that would be really off-putting for a lot of men because they have been encouraged and their behavior is not challenged by men or the system.

Many men can’t fathom the fact that most or a lot of their friends have acted inappropriate. And that there was a time in their life that they may have been inappropriate. But because of the standards of our society, there is no accountability or repercussions for those actions.

When women bring up these issues repeatedly, the idea is well why do these women still keep getting themselves into these situations?

I know that the (DJ Avignon) who assaulted me tried to use this reasoning. Pointing out that because I had been assaulted before that I was using this opportunity to try to bring him down. Rather than him taking accountability for not having consent and pushing past my boundaries to get what he wanted. He saw me as somebody just going around, trying to trick men into getting assault charges. Which were never officially filed or anything. He was just called out in the court of his peers.

I think this is what most women are talking about when they share their experience with men that have harmed them. They face criticism from other women who have already decided that you are just doing it for attention or are the problem because they wanna be with that man. (Pick me, male centered). Or the abuser’s friends don’t wanna take you seriously and break ranks with their friend. (Guy code). Or the abuser himself does not want to take responsibility because that would put him in a position of a disadvantage where it seems as if most men want to have leverage in dating scenarios. If they would actually have to take accountability, this would paint them in a negative light, and they would actually have to have some self-awareness and change their behavior.

In this society where rapist don’t get held accountable and people who murder others often don’t get held accountable, especially if the victim is in the lower ranks of society or an indigenous/POC/trans/queer identifying. This is how class and racism factors into who gets held accountable.  why would a man voluntarily held themselves accountable when they know that that would lead to “their future being in jeopardy”. When for so many centuries, this behavior actually allowed them to hold positions of power when kept secretive.

The biggest Takeaway here is that we need to continue to speak out and hold people, accountable, verbally, and challenge their thinking by sharing the experience and the reality of violence against vulnerable people. And by that, I mean, anybody who does not automatically hold a position of privilege. (Ie. white presenting men). Yet, often when rising to echelons of power, i.e. being a celebrity or athlete, there are certain unethical, morally corrupt behaviors that you must submit to in gaining this status and power. 

Therefore the idea is that power is the corrupting force, regardless of your race. Yet even in the hierarchy of power, these identifying qualities have a structure of their own. Which is where class comes in. And society continues to hold these structures in its Zeitgeist as markers of the narrative.